I hate when I fall in love with someone I don’t even know. Someone that may not even be alive. Someone that, quite honestly? Probably only exists up in my head. But damn. I need to be with that person right now.
-
-
If I had this man, with this ink, I would spend every night staring at it. Gorgeous.
-
-
__________________________________
1000notes.com has many great blogs you will enjoy following! Follow these for the absolute best posts Tumblr has to offer: {10,000 Notes} {Absolute Funniest Posts} {Absolute Best GIFs} {Absolute Best Memes} {Absolute Best Photography} -
me.
-
"Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."Albert Einstein (via vyrkin)
-
“So when I paid for our date, she didn’t owe me.”
-
-
That’s what open back suits are for. just sayin’.
-
Love.
I just saw the movie Crazy, Stupid Love. (Amazing, I definitely recommend it. If only because Ryan Gosling is delicious.) And it got me thinking. And writing. And I’m posting this because, hey, it’s Tumblr, and I’m allowed to write shit like this. It will be very ramblesque.
I love love. I have been told that I have relationships with relationships. I think it’s precious, and beautiful, and amazing. But I? I am afraid to fall in love.
I’ve been in love. Really. I still love him, though I am certainly not in love with him, but I care greatly for his well being. (For the record, I ended it. I didn’t like him anymore. That’s always awkward.) And I enjoyed the feeling when times were good. I hated the feeling when times were bad. That’s when the commitment part shows up, and I decided I hate commitment. I like being free. Except… do I hate commitment? I don’t know. I think I hate feeling like I have to be committed. In a relationship, I want the commitment to happen. Easily. Without a thought. It just is. Like kissing each other in greeting, or automatically sitting close to each other on a couch. Commitment should feel like that. Effortless, and rather sweet. And when I was in love, it was effortless. Yes, we had our problems, of course. Little things. One or two big things. But it was no issue in my mind, I didn’t consider leaving him, I loved him. Commitment wasn’t something I considered. I realize now that I fell out of love sooner than I admitted. Even when we were getting along well, I was fighting this tether that had suddenly appeared, tying me into the cycles of good and bad. I hated commitment. So now, I realize, I am not afraid of commitment… I’m afraid of feeling committed. Like I owe someone something.
But that isn’t the only part of being in love I’m scared of. I am scared that they will stop loving me first. I am scared that they will never actually love me at all. I am scared of being used, taken advantage of, and crushed. I am scared of being vulnerable. And love makes us, or at least me, very vulnerable. Maybe this fear stems from some long ago experience when I was taken advantage of. I have had a few. Whatever the reason, I am terrified. I have to be in control. I can’t be held by the wrist, by the arm. I can’t be physically controlled. I go insane. I bite, I hit, or sometimes I seize up and just can’t move. I just want to throw up and cry. I am a very nervous passenger. I constantly feel the urge to grab the wheel and take control. I am wary of people. If I can’t gain control over the relationship, I can’t be in the relationship, even friendship. I must be the one holding all the cards, holding all the power. It has been quite some time since I have actually needed a person, an individual. Yes, I need people in my life. I need to have social interaction. But I do not need individuals. If I did, I would not be the one in power. I do make mistakes. There was someone, last year, that I misread. He did need me, I knew that, but I realized belatedly that I needed the relationship we had. And I got hurt. I had been vulnerable and didn’t feel it. I was taken by surprise. I have avoided any sort of intimate relationship since then.
I am afraid of falling in love. Yet I know, in the back of my head, that I would enjoy being in love again. The challenge is accepting the possibility of falling in love again, rather than defiantly telling my heart I will not let it happen. I can’t go searching for love, I realize that, but I will have to put myself out there. I will have to give humanity a chance. And then maybe, one day, I will find someone that will not make me feel scared and small.
