I hate when I fall in love with someone I don’t even know. Someone that may not even be alive. Someone that, quite honestly? Probably only exists up in my head. But damn. I need to be with that person right now.
I just saw the movie Crazy, Stupid Love. (Amazing, I definitely recommend it. If only because Ryan Gosling is delicious.) And it got me thinking. And writing. And I’m posting this because, hey, it’s Tumblr, and I’m allowed to write shit like this. It will be very ramblesque.
I love love. I have been told that I have relationships with relationships. I think it’s precious, and beautiful, and amazing. But I? I am afraid to fall in love.
I’ve been in love. Really. I still love him, though I am certainly not in love with him, but I care greatly for his well being. (For the record, I ended it. I didn’t like him anymore. That’s always awkward.) And I enjoyed the feeling when times were good. I hated the feeling when times were bad. That’s when the commitment part shows up, and I decided I hate commitment. I like being free. Except… do I hate commitment? I don’t know. I think I hate feeling like I have to be committed. In a relationship, I want the commitment to happen. Easily. Without a thought. It just is. Like kissing each other in greeting, or automatically sitting close to each other on a couch. Commitment should feel like that. Effortless, and rather sweet. And when I was in love, it was effortless. Yes, we had our problems, of course. Little things. One or two big things. But it was no issue in my mind, I didn’t consider leaving him, I loved him. Commitment wasn’t something I considered. I realize now that I fell out of love sooner than I admitted. Even when we were getting along well, I was fighting this tether that had suddenly appeared, tying me into the cycles of good and bad. I hated commitment. So now, I realize, I am not afraid of commitment… I’m afraid of feeling committed. Like I owe someone something.
But that isn’t the only part of being in love I’m scared of. I am scared that they will stop loving me first. I am scared that they will never actually love me at all. I am scared of being used, taken advantage of, and crushed. I am scared of being vulnerable. And love makes us, or at least me, very vulnerable. Maybe this fear stems from some long ago experience when I was taken advantage of. I have had a few. Whatever the reason, I am terrified. I have to be in control. I can’t be held by the wrist, by the arm. I can’t be physically controlled. I go insane. I bite, I hit, or sometimes I seize up and just can’t move. I just want to throw up and cry. I am a very nervous passenger. I constantly feel the urge to grab the wheel and take control. I am wary of people. If I can’t gain control over the relationship, I can’t be in the relationship, even friendship. I must be the one holding all the cards, holding all the power. It has been quite some time since I have actually needed a person, an individual. Yes, I need people in my life. I need to have social interaction. But I do not need individuals. If I did, I would not be the one in power. I do make mistakes. There was someone, last year, that I misread. He did need me, I knew that, but I realized belatedly that I needed the relationship we had. And I got hurt. I had been vulnerable and didn’t feel it. I was taken by surprise. I have avoided any sort of intimate relationship since then.
I am afraid of falling in love. Yet I know, in the back of my head, that I would enjoy being in love again. The challenge is accepting the possibility of falling in love again, rather than defiantly telling my heart I will not let it happen. I can’t go searching for love, I realize that, but I will have to put myself out there. I will have to give humanity a chance. And then maybe, one day, I will find someone that will not make me feel scared and small.
Reading comments&such from people that hate lesbians/gays/bisexuals/pansexuals/transgenders/etc. makes me feel ill. I want to believe that their hatred is derived from ignorance, not from actual hate for a whole class of other human beings. Homophobics upset me. Especially when they try to hide behind scripture and religious teachings. Christianity is supposed to be a religion of love, acceptance, hope, and peace. I have baptist parents and have attended a baptist church. There is no love in that denomination. No acceptance, or hope, or peace. There is fear for the unknown and confusing, and it is a fear that rapidly spirals into hate and disgust. The way to spread “God’s word” is not by shoving hate and discrimination down the throat of a person who is being hated and discriminated against. I love my beliefs. I believe in the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. But I am almost afraid to identify as a Christian, not only because I am queer but because there are so many hateful people that share the core Christian beliefs. I find myself more Christ-like than most straight, church going, tithing Christians I come into contact with. Because Christ loved all, whether they be average men, lepers, prostitutes, or the possessed.
never miss an opportunity to tell somebody you love them.
Which is why I give random strangers compliments on the smallest things. <3
I’m in an undeniably sappy mood this evening. (This is why I need double practices… I think too much.) Normally, I don’t get sappy. I shy away from “love” and infatuation. It’s uncomfortable.
All I can think about is how much I miss snuggling. God, okay, this post is not going to make any sense.
I dated someone for 17 months. Which, as a high school student, is quite an impressive feat. (Freshman/sophomore year.) Even in that relationship… He was one of “those” guys. The stereotypical ones who just can’t cuddle. Something sexual had to be going on if we were on a bed or couch or floor or chair or ANYTHING together. (One factor in our break up.) After that, I involved myself in a quick string of hook ups. And after that, I shied away from relationships in general. (Including hook ups.) In other words. I am one cuddle/sex deprived young woman.
My best friends, also, are very… not touchy. We have that lovely awkward hug upon greeting, and after that we just chill across tables from each other, talking and sipping drinks and not touching. The male friends, anyway. The girls, at least half of them, are the normal amount of physical affection. But it’s different snuggling up with a girl than a guy. I’m a big girl. Not in a whale like way. But I’m 5’9” and pretty muscular, more so than my male friends even. (Yayyy swimming….) ANYWAY. My girl friends are all smaller than me. By several inches and about twenty pounds of muscle. And sometimes. I just really need a man. 6’2”, athletic. Yum. They make me feel small and safe and protected and loved and all that bullshit. <3
I MISS PHYSICAL AFFECTION.
I miss being wrapped in the arms of someone five inches taller than me and considerably stronger.
I miss the scent of the cologne on their shirt and the feeling of their shoulder against my cheek.
God. Damn. Ugh.
And, lykk. F’real right now. No men in my life. Not even options, I swear. And most girls I’m friends with are straight. And the one I love (OH, HEY, MORE MUSHY SHIT. Because, yeah, I actually love this woman.) is in another fucking state for the next month. AND WHAT REALLY SUCKS ABOUT THAT???? We’ve finally officially established that a) we like each other and b) we fer sure want to get with each other. Fuck.
My language is offensive. I sincerely apologize. The more upset I get, the more to hell it goes.
I need to go work out. And forget about this nonsense.
I hate these moments… A lot.
Sappy ness over. Somebody send me some love.